I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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