i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
