There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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