I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize