wanna go halves on a baby?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
splinters make it hard to masturbate
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
