dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
