I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
