The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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