i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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