On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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