Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
