my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
