connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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