You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize