then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
