new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Someone shattered a urinal.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
