I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
