she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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