Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
as a side note pls kill me
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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