The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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