dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize