if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
