I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
