just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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