life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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