Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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