he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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