You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He felt like a one man threesome
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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