i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
