I can tuck mytits in my pants
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
