Just took my morning after pill in the library
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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