My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
