Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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