I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
