Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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