Cold hands, warm shart.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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