he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
