she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
