did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
