Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
