That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
