If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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