She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
