dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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