Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
