Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
