I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
