she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm passing your future prison.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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