I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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