Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
