Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
