I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
