Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
