today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
All the doctor said was why
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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