he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize