Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
