we're blogging at a bar
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
