the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
