Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
