How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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